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Lonely Cannibal Man Eats Last Woman in Village
"No Ma Booga Booga!" the tribal man declared on Monday, gesturing toward his genitalia. This caused a huge outburst from the other men, who erupted in dance and song.
Apparently the last woman of the Kamaniwannaeatya Tribe refused to have sexual relations after being married off to 35 of the tribes males. However, the tribe hopes to spring back from this minor set back in the coming months.
By holding the upcoming festival of Booga Booga, the Kamaniwannaeatyas hopes to attract the woman of near by tribes. This rare ceremony will also help replenish the tribe's food storage by bringing in Missionaries and Peace Corp volunteers who wish to see the spectacle.
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Cannibal Man reflects
on the repercussions
of his actions
Other tribesmen prepare for the festival of Booga Booga. |
-staff@touchedmonkey.com
Geraldo Rivera finds Bin Laden!
Despite numerous attempts to silence him, Geraldo insists that he knows
where Osoma Bin Laden is. TM spoke with Geraldo late yesterday and he had
this to say:
" It's so obvious! Bin Laden must be in Al Capone's safe! Just stop and
think about it... Where is the last place anyone would look for him?
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Picture courtesy of Fox News |
Where
I have already looked of course! Fox News is still sitting on the story but
I know I will be the one chosen to cover that event - and this time there
WILL be something in there. There will! I just know it! There really
will be! Just wait and see, heh heh...."
Stay tuned to The Monkey for more breaking details!
-staff@touchedmonkey.com
Economic outlook not good for
outdated "human" workers.
The recent economic slow down has not been helped by the recent trend of
hiring "robotic laborers" or "droids" to perform jobs previously reserved
for humans.
Even people with numerous job skills are faced with the fact that androids
are being looked at as cheap, dependable labor. Reminiscing about the old
days when android workers were a frowned upon novelty, Obi wan Kenobi says
"I don't remember ever owning a droid." The outlook for new college
graduates is dimming as the demand for even black market droids increases.
When asked about increased demands for even - ahem - "used and refurbished"
droids one Jawa who prefers to remain anonymous said "Ooo Ti Di!" -
confirming our suspicions.
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Jawa Engineers assure
TM staff that everything is "Ooo Ti Di!"
Lead Jawa Salesman deals with Owen Lars and nephew Luke. |
Even Uncle Owen, a previously ardent supporter
of manual farm labor, was recently quoted as saying: "What I really need is
a droid who understands the binary language of moisture evaporators." Proof
positive that this trend is here to stay. Stay tuned to The Monkey for more
on this evolving trend.
-staff@touchedmonkey.com
New Iraqi Henchmen Develop Anthrax Email
Once believed KIA after a confrontation with America's leading scientist Dr. Quest, Kronick has recently resurfaced. Kronick was known for manufacturing chemical weapons in his secret base hidden in the mountains outside of Calcutta. His chemical weapons (a type of nerve gas) was making some of the locals sick. He was presumed dead when he was "killed" in an avalanche that also swept away his men and destroyed the secret base. However he has recently resurfaced with his new gang known only as "Two Bad Guys" - who are the former henchmen of Dr. Ahmed Karim. (Dr. Karim was also an arch nemesis of Dr. Quest and was ironically killed in a cave-in, in the clutches of the mummy of Anubis.)
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Kronick
Two Bad Guys |
It is believed that these men are devising a new Anthrax email chain letter. The email is titled "Death to America" and ends with "All infidel swine must forward this letter to 20 friends in the next ten minutes or be faced with bad luck and misfortune. ALLAH IS GREAT."
Stay tuned to Touched Monkey for further updates.
-staff@touchedmonkey.com
Osama Bin Laden Encouraged by
Latest Missle Defense System Purchase
"Dehg dug ech techblach American Infidel Pig dogs!" were the latest threats to come from Osama Bin Laden's Taliban camp deep within Afghanistan's mountain range. "We have recently purchased the latest in American Warfare technology and you filthy American heretics will be choking on the irony as you realize we have sunk your battleships!"
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Bin Laden also added, "Even now our engineers are E-Sketching new military planes to hunt down and destroy your precious Stealth planes." Defense contractors Milton Bradley and Ohio Art were unavailable for comment.
Stay tuned to Touched Monkey for further updates.
-staff@touchedmonkey.com
Pledge Of Alegiance Plaques
Found Under Crate Of Expired Chocolate Milk
In the shocking aftermath of September 11th's attack on America, schools have begun to look for a way to bring the kids together. At first they thought, "How about Salisbury Steak Day?!" But most principles and communities were looking for something stronger. Something daily. Then, one day while the janitor was emptying the basement of flattened kick balls, old gym shirts and cigarette butts, he found a crate containing dozens of plaques with America's "pledge of allegiance" inscribed on them.
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One for every classroom. "Our prayers have been answered!" cried the teachers. "Halleluiah!" "The kids could assemble during homeroom or before 1st period." explained one principal. "It's a way of unifying the kids and bringing them together over a common cause. A cause called peace." explained one Fourth Grade teacher. "Why we took them down in the first place is beyond me."
Stay tuned to Touched Monkey for further updates.
-staff@touchedmonkey.com
Bloated Emmy Nominees
Race for Tragedy Spotlight
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As the Attack On America's spotlight fades, Hollywood's lowest, bottom dwelling stars seek camera time in a valiant 15 minute PR scheme. "I'm just so torn up over the whole thing I had to show the world my children and donate a million bucks." said a weeping Rosey O'Donnell. "But no, that wasn't enough - that bitch Julia Roberts had to go and donate 2 mil. Fine, here's another million just to show you - and by the way I gots me 3 kids to your none! Ya Skinny Ass Ho!" But Rosey wasn't the only star to pipe up during all of the past weeks confusion. Stars of the Wet Wing (NBC),
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led by Martin Sheen (who thinks he really is president) have opted not to attend this years Emmys, claiming, "It's not right for us to celebrate in light of the nations tragedy. Instead we're all heading over to Rob's for some popcorn and home movies."
Stay tuned to Touched Monkey for further updates.
-staff@touchedmonkey.com
Don't Count Apple Out!
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Recently, computer industry experts have been saying that Apple Computer is
poised for a come back. With a profoundly dwindling 4% share of the
personal computer market Apple executives remain enthusiastic: "We have a
mouse with ONE button" - one Apple executive was quoted as saying - "So
obviously less is more! We may be poised to move to 5% or maybe even 6%
over the next 10 years.
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This "windows" thingy - honey, their 15 minutes are
over! We're the one to watch!" When asked about the trendy and tragically
hip design of their computers, Apple press agents responded: "We know that
people want their notebook computers to look like colorful makeup compact
cases. We just know it! - a trend that we think business executives will
eventually take to - by the way. Have you seen Dell's black, square
notebooks? Hellooo! Borrrrring!"
Stay tuned to Touched Monkey for further updates.
-staff@touchedmonkey.com
Chevy Monte Carlo
Still Gay As Ever.
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Chevrolet released their new Monte Carlo for the 2002 year. "We're hoping to spruce up a new breed of motor heads by giving them something new to rust in their front lawns." a Chevy spokesperson said.
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Chevrolet also hopes that the new body style will help inject some "high octane" enthusiasm into Motorsports team Monte Carlo. "To see that thing go round da track - zoom zoom zoom - all the tires spinning round in a circle round a big circle - man - dats a car goin round a circle." The 2002 Monte Carlo comes standard with such features as four tires, AM/FM receiver and "Solid Paint." (Pace car replica spoiler and red bow tie emblem in instrument panel are available at an extra cost.)
Stay tuned to Touched Monkey for further updates.
-staff@touchedmonkey.com
Dot Com Layoffs continue,
Sony PlayStation 2 Sales Soar!
As the economy continues it's gentle glide corporations are continuing to trim the fat and prepare for the possible lean years ahead. Many of these forward thinking companies are the over-ripe IT industry corporations obese with young, overpaid programmers. So, in order to bring their costs down and keep the VP's in BMW's they've been laying off hundreds of trendy, glasses wearing professionals.
And so, everyday the job market is flooded with fresh new faces, bloated résumés and earnest slackers waiting for their weekly severance check.
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When we asked, one such unfortunate victim of the latest discharge said, "Dude, I am soooo glad I bought that PlayStation last month. NCAA 2002 is coming out soon and I am so gonna kick Michigan's ASS this year!"
-staff@touchedmonkey.com
A Monkey Exclusive!
The Cause Of Unwashed Hippies Revealed!
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Social scientists at the Monkey Institute have uncovered overwhelming
evidence of the much covered up, decade long, barber strike apparent
soap/shampoo shortage of the 1960's. Film & photographic evidence gathered
from Time Life books and elsewhere prove that, for millions, long greasy
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hair, unlaundered clothing a hindered ability to bathe were just some of the
results of this social calamity.
Conspiracy theorists have noted that NASA engineers were surprisingly well
kempt as were other "professionals" leading some to believe that NASA was
behind this shortage and in fact "engineered" it while hording all personal
hygiene products and holding all barbers hostage.
Stay tuned to Touched Monkey for further developments!
-staff@touchedmonkey.com
Slow News Day Reveals Smoking is Cool.
| ABC's (America's Broadcasting Company) crack-pot investigative team recently revealed that images of "cool", hip or trendy movie stars smoking may influence America's young, teenage demographic and cause them to purchase cigarettes. Well, it would seem that these baby boomers finally caught on to their marketing savvy when they realized that they started to smoke when they say James Dean and Marlon Brando with a pack of Lucky's rolled up in their sleeve. |  |
When interviewing Rob Reiner (Pot Smoking advocate on CBS's All In The Family) he said, "It was shocking to see Meg (Ryan) smoke throughout the entire picture." Um, yeah, that's exactly how we felt.
-staff@touchedmonkey.com
Super Absorbency On The Rise
| Throughout our daily television viewing we are constantly bombarded by marketing campaigns for this or that product. If you cross examine this advertisement array a pattern begins to emerge. A pattern of dry weave, thirst pockets, moisture pores and quicker picker-uppers. |  |
And it's covering an array of products from paper towels to panty liners. The absorbency industry is booming and it seems their research and technology know no bounds. In their ads, feminine napkins as well as Brawny's "manly napkin" break all the known laws of physics while soaking up quarts and quarts of liquid. So keep your eyes focused on their future and watch them as they revolutionize the way we handle our excess fluids... And seemingly without any government funding.
Touched Monkey
Welcomes New Staff
This week Touched Monkey is proud to introduce the newest member
of our staff - Coco! Coco comes to us from the San Diego Zoo where she was an award
winning fruit critic.
Coco will be sharing her love of fine - and not
so fine - movies as our movie critic. Watch for her column each week.
And now a few words from Coco.
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Ooh ooh Eeek! oooh oop Touched Monkey oooo oooo o eeeek! Ooo ek
ppphhhht ooop eek oooo equal opportunity employeer Eeek! Eeek!
Eeek! Op ook ooop oooh oooooh eeeeeek oo o o oooo.
Oooo "You can't handle the truth!" Eeek!
oooh oop Phhhht! Eeek! Eeek! "Coco's
Favorite Movies Of All Time" oop oop oop eek!
ob. ooop eek oooo o ooo o o o A Clockwork
Orange pphhhtt pht pphhhttt ppt ooo oo
Outbreak EEEK! EEEK! EEEK! op op ooo ook
eek eee eek oo oo o ppphhhht. Ppphht
Pphhhhtttt o o. Brad Pitt ppht pphht ee eek oo
oop Robet Redford! Eeek! The Sting Eeek! eek ook oop. oop ooo!
ooh oo,
Touched Monkey EOE.
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